Celebrity Crush: Young Jack Nicholson

Is there anyone on this earth more attractive than young Jack Nicholson? I think not. For a period of time, the man could do no wrong.

In one of my all-time favorite movies, Five Easy Pieces, he managed to look hot whether he was slumming it or classing it up in that black turtleneck.

He looked hot when he was in a mental institution.

He looked hot when hanging out with Antonioni.

He looked hot with a broken nose in a movie about water.

He looked hot in what is possible the most depressing (and definitely most misogynistic) movie I’ve ever seen, Carnal Knowledge. “Everyone is terrible”- the tagline for that movie.

He looked hot when he was in love with Angelica Huston.

Unfortunately, only one of those two aged well. Under no circumstances should you Google image search Jack Nicholson now, because you are just going to find a picture of a man on a boat eating a sandwich and you’re going to wish you could unsee it. Then you’re going to feel really weird about all these feelings you just had.

A Question

Do you guys ever think that dating Steve Martin would be like dating Steve Martin’s character in Shopgirl?

“Excuse me, Miss, would you like to be in an unequal, toxic relationship? I’LL TAKE ONE OF EVERYTHING!”-Steve Martin

“Can you see that? It’s the demise of your self-worth.”-Steve Martin

“I’m sad because I don’t know how to love “-Steve Martin

“Hold still while I strangle you. Metaphorically and, you know, literally.”-Steve Martin

For the record, I love Steve Martin. This movie made me cry (“Big surprise, bozo.”-You), and the book was really fantastic, too. He seems like he wouldn’t be a very good boyfriend, though. I mean, there’d be a lot of banjo, for starters.

Celebrity Crush: Ben Schwartz

I feel like it’s my duty to keep you guys updated on how nice Ben Schwartz sounds, like in this interview with the AV Club.. I’d also like to reiterate that by “celebrity crush” I usually mean “celebrity I’d like to be friends with.” Listen to him describe his work ethic:

At the very beginning, I was a page at Letterman, and I freelanced for any place that would let me write any word. I wanted to do this so badly. Then when I got a tiny bit of success, I was petrified that I was going to lose it. I still feel it. House Of Lies finished filming, and I don’t know when I’m doing Parks again. The second that happened, I thought, “Fuck, I have to start writing. I have to keep myself working, because why else did I move to Los Angeles? If everyone else is working 9 to 5 every day, why shouldn’t I?” I wrote those postcard books, I’ll do short films for free, I like to keep myself creative. But there is an essence of “When does it end?” That drives me, and also gives me terrible stomach problems. The anxiety of not knowing what my next gig is keeps me hungry. I’m doing exactly what I’m doing, and I don’t want to fuck this up. There will be days where I’m not writing, but I’ll think back to when I was a page. I’d wake up at 6 in the morning, write monologue jokes as a freelance writer, go work the first page shift, sleep in the security office, work the second page shift so I could get some money, then I’d go take classes from 7 to 10 at UCB, then watch every show I could and take the last train home. I’d get four hours of sleep, and I did that for about two years. That guy would hate me if I took the day off today.

Everything I Love In One Picture

Hey, that crush on Donald Glover isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
Donald Glover’s tumblr

Celebrity Crush: Young John Travolta

I’m aware that I’m going a little out on a limb with this one. It is all too easy to find weird-looking pictures of current John Travolta, because that would be all the pictures of current John Travolta. He is always either bald, or goateed, or reprising Divine’s role in Hairspray, or being in Wild Hogs. So, yes, I do know that he is now a slightly puffier version of his former self. But that former self? Can we just admit to ourselves that John Travolta was a very attractive man in the 70′s and 80′s?

He had a good smile and some great hair.

Lest we forget, Saturday Night Fever wasn’t really the lighthearted dance flick everyone makes it out to be. It was actually a pretty dark movie about class and gang rape and, okay, some dancing. But John Travolta was good.

We’re still working on making the white t-shirt a “look” for dudes, right, guys?

Young John Travolta was definitely at his hottest in a movie I love that no one else seems to care about, Blow Out. Seriously, am I the only one on the planet who hated Blow Up and loved Blow Out? Probably. Only one of them featured John Lithgow. But also, John Travolta’s hair!

He has a blinding smile.

Also, there’s this. While Saturday Night Fever was actually a solid movie, the “sequel,” Staying Alive, was just a straight up dance movie. I love this movie and I think about it at least once a day. I wish I was kidding.

And in case you need video proof…well, here’s the intro from Staying Alive. This is how the movie starts. It does not even waste any time with exposition or character development, because Staying Alive knows all you wanna do is watch Johnny dance! Staying Alive is the best movie ever made.

New Year’s Jams

We all know Christmas songs, but an overlooked genre of music is the New Year’s song. Here are some of my favorites!

New Year’s Day, U2

I can’t listen to this first few seconds of this song without laughing, because Alex sings it a lot. This is one of those songs that probably shouldn’t make me happy, and yet it does.

Same Old Lang Syne, Dan Fogelberg

Okay, you probably hate this song because you are not my mom’s age. Whatever. My best friend and I totally bonded over this song when we first met. Why were 14 year olds listening to Dan Fogelberg? I can’t answer that. Either way, I find this song emotionally affecting, so just shut your trap.

The New Year, Death Cab for Cutie

New Year’s often ends up being disappointing or depressing for a lot of us, and this song really sums up that feeling. It makes me think of high school, when I used to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning on Saturday so I could watch Subterranean on MTV and watch videos like this one (while the internet technically existed then, it didn’t exist for me).

In The New Year, The Walkmen

Because we all like The Walkmen.

What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve, Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I was going to post the Nancy Wilson version, but give me a break. This is what the world’s talking about, and by the world I mostly mean every blog and also me and Christine and Chad last night.

Are there any other great New Year’s jams I forgot? Is U2′s New Year’s Day the best song in the world? Let me know in the comments!

Not-So-Secret Celebrity Crush: Young Bruce Springsteen

As I discovered recently, I kind of have a crush on young Bruce Springsteen. Nothing against old (or, I guess, “regular”) Bruce Springsteen, but young Bruce Springsteen was really bringing his misunderstood, working-class, flannel-wearing A-game.

When was this picture taken? Was it yesterday? I can’t even handle it. Actually, I can’t even tell if I think he’s cute or if I just want that outfit for myself.

Who does he think he is, Jess Mariano?

Everyone knows (or should know) that “white t-shirt” is the best look on a dude. Bruce knows.

Like a better looking Cat Stevens. Once again, do I just want this jacket? Maybe.

Not sure how I feel about this. I’m conflicted.

I’m going to make a calendar called “Cars and Bruce Springsteen.” Every month will be a picture of Bruce Springsteen leaning against the hood of a car.

I should admit to you that Born to Run is one of my favorite songs of all time. What can I say, I’m from a small town. It speaks to me!

Donald Glover OR Childish Gambino OR I Don’t Know What to Think Anymore

I’m a warm-blooded human being, so of course I think Donald Glover is attractive. Let’s not kid ourselves.

He’s got a Miranda July level of productivity and creativity. It’s confusing because he’s so talented and so good looking; there is absolutely no reason he needs to be so good at both, because I’m pretty sure he could be successful on either the looks or talent alone. He’s like if Ryan Gosling was also great at stand up. Not fair and also unnecessary. Donald Glover hit it big with his group Derek Comedy’s Youtube videos, then he wrote for 30 Rock, then he quit to do stand up, then came Community, then came Childish Gambino, then came my deep confusion/attraction.

Childish Gambino makes for a complicated listening experience. This is his latest video, which is both great and creepy. It’s got a real An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge thing going on (oh, did you guys forget I majored in English? BOOM) while also dealing with a lot of other things too.

I’ll be honest. It’s hard for me to accept that the guy who raps lyrics like, “This Asian dude, I stole his girl, and now he got that Kogi beef / My dick is like an accent mark, it’s all about the over Es” is also the dude who looks like this:

He’s no Drake (no one is), but he’s close. CG reminds me of Lil Wayne, but with more highbrow references (Sufjan Stevens instead of Shenaynay, not that there is anything at all wrong with Shenaynay). NY Daily News recently published this article about Camp, his new album, which I’m really excited about. I love this quote from him, taken from an interview on a blog called Poop or Chocolate because, sure, that’s a great name.

Lately it’s been like I have a calling. I’ve always felt like the stuff that happened to me when I was a kid happened for a reason. And I’ve always felt like I had something to say and that what I’m doing is important. And I don’t let anything get in the way of that. If I really want to do something I can do it, and I’ve always felt that way. Never wavered from that. Lorne Michaels once said something to me that really stuck, and I’ve never seen it not be true. He said truly talented people are only faithful to their talent. Which might explain why he has people sign contracts for like seven years. Because if you’re really going after something, if you really have a goal, the only thing that’s gonna stop you is you. What I love about Kanye West is his willingness to be like “Fuck it. I’m gonna do it and I’ll deal with it later.” To take that leap. Because people who are real innovators; your Kanyes, your Michael Jordans, your Steve Martins, your Salvador Dalis, your Jim Hensons; nobody’s gonna tell them they’re too anything. Except for them. And since I have this unique perspective of having seen the world from all these opposing viewpoints, and I also happen to be creative, I feel like it’s my responsibility to expose the dichotomies that exist so there can be dialogue and understanding. I feel like that’s my calling. So what do I want? I want everything. Not because I’m greedy, but so I have all the tools to reach as many people as possible.

Cosby Sweater, Glasses, and a Cigar.

Drake’s Headlines video is giving me all sorts of feelings I don’t understand.

I Am Not Zooey Deschanel (And Neither Are You)

Zooey Deschanel’s fun sitcom New Girl premieres on the teevee tonight, but it’s been available online for a couple of weeks. Anyone who’s interested (and I myself am part of that group) has already seen it. And as it turns out, the majority of the people who’ve seen it are twenty-something white girls who are currently flooding my Facebook feed with status updates like, “The New Girl is me!” or “I am the New Girl!” or “New Girl New Girl MEMEME!” and all I can say is NOPE.

Not you.

Listen, I get it. Really, I do. This show is painting a real pretty picture, one in which a “weird” girl’s quirks and eccentricities make her endearing instead of annoying. We all want to live in that world! Oh, do we ever.

Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses…unless they look like this..

Clearly, the point of this character is to make us, as twenty-something ladies, relate to her. We can think, “Oh, I sing to myself all the time, too!” or “Hey, I’ve had my share of crying jags during Dirty Dancing!” And that’s why this is a television show. Because this is a fun, not-at-all-real-life fantasy. And you’re talkin’ to a girl who knows from fantasy; there’s nothing I love more than a decidedly not real romcom. But ladies, we are not Zooey Deschanel, and here’s why.

In real life, singing to yourself all the time isn’t cute or fun. In real life, sometimes you’ll be typing away on your laptop while your boyfriend watches football, and then you’ll realize he’s paused the TV and is staring at you. And you’ll look at him and say, “What?” And he’ll just look at you. And then you’ll say, “Was I…doing it again?” And he’ll start the TV again and you’ll realize you’ve been whisper-humming Madonna’s Borderline (“Feels like I’m gooooing to lose my miiiiind!”) for the past ten minutes. And guess what? No one thinks it’s cute.

In real life, if you are making cookies while improvising a song about the experience that you’re tentatively titling “Cookie Time” (it’s a working title, okay?) and the only lyrics are the words “Cookie Time” repeated over and over, no one is going to be like, “Oh, did you just make up a theme song?” like this is some novel, charming thing you did. Instead they are going to pat you on the arm and say, “You need to stop doing that.”

In real life, if you can’t walk in heels, it doesn’t make you charmingly inept; it just makes you inept.

Or maybe, in real life, you have a movie you watch on repeat, too. Instead of Dirty Dancing, let’s just say it’s, like, Pretty In Pink (or something). In real life, people will tolerate you doing this, but they are most certainly NOT going to reenact the scene in which Duckie slides into the room and does an outta-this-world dance to Try a Little Tenderness. “This is a very good tune, my mother used to sing this to me. Otis, I love Otis.”

In real life, if you cry a lot in front of guys, they are absolutely not even going to deal with it.

Unless, of course, you look like Zooey Deschanel. And maybe you do! But I certainly don’t, and let me tell you, my weird behavior is charming no one. Unless you have cerulean eyes the size of koi ponds and black hair that cascades down your back like you’re in a shampoo ad and you look like a Rimmel spokesmodel because you literally are a Rimmel spokesmodel, then you are not the character Jess as played by Zooey Deschanel in the New Girl.

Dudes aren’t putting up with this for anyone who isn’t hot.

I do love this show though. For real! It makes my heart flutter the same way a romantic comedy does, and, like I mentioned, I have a lifelong fantasy that I’m surrounded by men who adore me and protect me in a totally non-sexual way. Hey, remember that time I said I grew up around all men? Do you guys think that is showing, or….? Either way, Zooey Deschanel (who I adore!) is so cute and charming in this role.

Also, I’ve mentioned this before, too, but Jake Johnson. Be still my beating heart.

Dream guy. How long do you guys think it will take before he and Zooey hook up? And how long do you think it will take before I share the fanfic I’m writing about that hookup?