Zooey Deschanel’s fun sitcom New Girl premieres on the teevee tonight, but it’s been available online for a couple of weeks. Anyone who’s interested (and I myself am part of that group) has already seen it. And as it turns out, the majority of the people who’ve seen it are twenty-something white girls who are currently flooding my Facebook feed with status updates like, “The New Girl is me!” or “I am the New Girl!” or “New Girl New Girl MEMEME!” and all I can say is NOPE.
Listen, I get it. Really, I do. This show is painting a real pretty picture, one in which a “weird” girl’s quirks and eccentricities make her endearing instead of annoying. We all want to live in that world! Oh, do we ever.
Guys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses…unless they look like this..
Clearly, the point of this character is to make us, as twenty-something ladies, relate to her. We can think, “Oh, I sing to myself all the time, too!” or “Hey, I’ve had my share of crying jags during Dirty Dancing!” And that’s why this is a television show. Because this is a fun, not-at-all-real-life fantasy. And you’re talkin’ to a girl who knows from fantasy; there’s nothing I love more than a decidedly not real romcom. But ladies, we are not Zooey Deschanel, and here’s why.
In real life, singing to yourself all the time isn’t cute or fun. In real life, sometimes you’ll be typing away on your laptop while your boyfriend watches football, and then you’ll realize he’s paused the TV and is staring at you. And you’ll look at him and say, “What?” And he’ll just look at you. And then you’ll say, “Was I…doing it again?” And he’ll start the TV again and you’ll realize you’ve been whisper-humming Madonna’s Borderline (“Feels like I’m gooooing to lose my miiiiind!”) for the past ten minutes. And guess what? No one thinks it’s cute.
In real life, if you are making cookies while improvising a song about the experience that you’re tentatively titling “Cookie Time” (it’s a working title, okay?) and the only lyrics are the words “Cookie Time” repeated over and over, no one is going to be like, “Oh, did you just make up a theme song?” like this is some novel, charming thing you did. Instead they are going to pat you on the arm and say, “You need to stop doing that.”
In real life, if you can’t walk in heels, it doesn’t make you charmingly inept; it just makes you inept.
Or maybe, in real life, you have a movie you watch on repeat, too. Instead of Dirty Dancing, let’s just say it’s, like, Pretty In Pink (or something). In real life, people will tolerate you doing this, but they are most certainly NOT going to reenact the scene in which Duckie slides into the room and does an outta-this-world dance to Try a Little Tenderness. “This is a very good tune, my mother used to sing this to me. Otis, I love Otis.”
In real life, if you cry a lot in front of guys, they are absolutely not even going to deal with it.
Unless, of course, you look like Zooey Deschanel. And maybe you do! But I certainly don’t, and let me tell you, my weird behavior is charming no one. Unless you have cerulean eyes the size of koi ponds and black hair that cascades down your back like you’re in a shampoo ad and you look like a Rimmel spokesmodel because you literally are a Rimmel spokesmodel, then you are not the character Jess as played by Zooey Deschanel in the New Girl.
Dudes aren’t putting up with this for anyone who isn’t hot.
I do love this show though. For real! It makes my heart flutter the same way a romantic comedy does, and, like I mentioned, I have a lifelong fantasy that I’m surrounded by men who adore me and protect me in a totally non-sexual way. Hey, remember that time I said I grew up around all men? Do you guys think that is showing, or….? Either way, Zooey Deschanel (who I adore!) is so cute and charming in this role.
Also, I’ve mentioned this before, too, but Jake Johnson. Be still my beating heart.
Dream guy. How long do you guys think it will take before he and Zooey hook up? And how long do you think it will take before I share the fanfic I’m writing about that hookup?