Tag Archives: fellas

I Think I’m Using Pinterest Wrong

24 Jan

Just had an idea to make a Harry Dean Stanton board. Weirdly enough, not finding a lot of Harry Dean on that site!

I guess this means it is my calling to make sure Pinterest is more Harry Dean friendly. Can you tell I’m procrastinating? This is part of my process. Leave me alone.

He’s Like A Whole Different Tim Riggins

13 Jan

Long hair:

Short hair:

Just An Observation

23 Sep

I think if you decide to stick with one man for the rest of your life, you just have to be prepared for him to bloat. Observe James Spader. How did this:

Turn into this:

I literally do not even want to know what’s going to happen to Ryan Gosling.

Things Men Don’t Understand

31 Jul

1. Carol Channing. I’ve yet to meet a straight man under 40 who knows who she is.

2. What UTI and IUD stand for. They’re never going to have to deal with either.

3. Why you like Adele and Florence and the Machine. You know how dogs can hear high-pitched noises that the human ear can’t detect? I think that’s what’s going on with Adele and Florence. All the men I know seem perplexed by their success.

4. Women’s pants sizes.

5.Short-sleeved jackets.

6. Nail art. The fingernail is a tiny canvas, gentlemen.

7. Sexual assault statistics. Men can never believe this, while all the women I’ve talked to are like, “Yeah, sounds about right.”

Sassy, Bored, Open Mouth: Mick Jagger

25 Jul

Sassy:

Bored:

Open Mouth:

Sassy:

Bored:

Open Mouth:

Sassy:

Bored:

Open Mouth:

Sassy:

Bored:

Open Mouth:

Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me When I Started College

23 Jul

Back to school time is already upon us, and the notebook sales at Target are making me reflect on my college years. I was a pretty trusting, optimistic 18 year old when I started my freshman year, even though I thought of myself as quite the world-weary soul. Here are the things I wish I could tell myself, so that I could avoid some heartbreak/regret/embarrassment/excess chicken strip weight:

If your roommate cleans your half of the room because your clutter is “bothering” her, that’s a bad sign. There is no normal reason for someone to clean and “organize” your desk.

Don’t eat frozen pizzas from the market. They leave you sleepy with only enough energy to watch Family Matters, and while that episode where Carl and Urkel go camping is pretty great, there are better ways to spend your time.

If a guy says he loves you after two weeks of dating, that’s a bad sign.

Even if you’re not homesick at all, call your parents. They’re worried about you, believe it or not, and later on you’ll feel guilty for all the calls and e-mails you didn’t return.

If the guy you’re dating asks what you’d do if he got your name tattooed on his forehead, and you tell him that would be weird, and he gets really upset by that answer, that’s a bad sign.

Don’t be so worried that everyone thinks you’re stupid. For the most part, people do not even notice you, so do whatever you want.

Stop eating chicken strips.

If a guy introduces you to his mom on your first date, that’s a bad sign.

When you need to complain about your terrible boyfriend, that’s what your paper journal and BFF back home are for. Not livejournal. Never livejournal.

You know how you watch Mrs. Doubtfire every time it’s on ABC Family? You will never regret that. Mrs. Doubtfire is the best movie in the world, and upon every viewing you will discover new layers!

If you meet your college BFFs the first weekend at college, spend more time with them than your weird boyfriend.

LOCK YOUR DORM ROOM DOOR. TRUST NO ONE.

If you get so depressed over your terrible boyfriend that you just start watching Gilmore Girls on your laptop every night after your roommate falls asleep, and it gets so the happiest you feel all day is when the piano cascades over the Warner Brothers logo before the credits start, that’s okay. It’s only temporary!

You don’t have to say yes to everyone who asks you out.

You know that guy in the corner of your Intro to Creative Writing Class? The one with the long hair who is kind of quiet and talked to Dan once about anime? I hate to blow your mind, but eventually you are going to end up dating that guy! For a long time!

Hide your debit card. Somehow someone is going to use all of your money to buy porn and Nascar merchandise, and it’s going to be a real bitch to get all that money back. It will be so nice if you can avoid this hassle.

Both the guys you date over the course of this year are going to pierce their own nipples, and you are going to need to reevaluate how you’re going about this whole thing.

Don’t take French. I know you think you’re going to like it better than Spanish, but you just don’t like learning languages. It’s nice to pretend that you’re cultured, I get it, but it’s not going to work out.

John Kerry is not going to win! I’m sorry, but I don’t want you to get your hopes up.

Please, don’t keep dating someone if one of their friends wears a shirt that says “Will Wrestle For Sex.” That reflects poorly on everyone involved in the situation.

Stop wearing jackets. Girl, those boxy shoulders are doing you no favors.

Don’t keep dating that terrible boyfriend because you think no one else will ever like you. You are great, or at least okay-ish! Guys will like you. I mean, I don’t want you to get a big head over this. It won’t be that many guys. But it’s just like Kirsten Dunst as Amy in Little Women says, “You only need one if he’s the right one.” Please defer to Kirsten Dunst’s judgement on all matters for the next four years.

Eat at Phan Shin as much as you possibly can, because you will miss it. You will miss it so much.

Save a picture of your terrible boyfriend, so when people ask why you dated him you’ll at least have some sort of explanation.

Don’t listen to those people that say these are the best years of your life, because the best years of your life will hopefully not involve Microbiology tests and group presentations. But they are the most responsibility-free years. I know you think you appreciate all the fun you’re having with your new friends, but there will come a time when they won’t be around every day to make up nicknames for that guy in the dining hall or that guy who never wears a coat or that guy with the big head, and you’re going to miss it.

But you will not miss being as naive as you are at 18.

Not-So-Secret Celebrity Crush: Ben Schwartz

16 Jul


Sometimes when I say I have a crush on someone, that’s not what I mean at all. Usually I just mean that I wish they were my friend. Ben Schwartz seems like he would be the kind of guy who’d be fun to hang out with at an Applebee’s (in my world there are two types of people: those who can hang at an Applebee’s and those who can’t). Or maybe he would watch the E! True Hollywood Story on Wynonna Judd with you. Or go see a band he’s never heard of on a Tuesday night. You get the picture! These are the ideal qualities in a BFF for me, and I’m assigning them to a person I don’t know. This is my life.

Most importantly, Ben Schwartz plays my all-time-favorite Parks and Rec character, Jean-Ralphio.

And of course, then there is THIS:

You all know how I feel about this scene from The Jerk.

Donna, what are you thinkin’, girl? I can’t believe you didn’t want to get with Jean-Ralphio.

If you want more Jean-Ralphio (and don’t we all?), some kind soul made a Best of Jean-Ralphio video. What it do, nephew?

An Open Letter to Drake

14 Jul


Dear Drake,

I’ll cut to the chase. I’ve been listening pretty intently to Thank Me Later, and judging by your lyrics, I think we’d be good together.

I have a couple of diplomas, which I know you’re into. I’m not a homeowner, but honestly, in this economy home ownership is not the symbol of success it once was, so I feel like we can work past that together. I have enough money to loan you “a little something extra,” as long as we’re referring to a little something extra. I mean, I can spot you once in awhile, but let’s not get too crazy.

It was nice of you to say “this is not to get confused, this one’s for you” at the beginning of “Best I Ever Had.” Sure, I suspected, but it was good to know for sure. I find it sweet that you think I look best in “sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on.” How could I take that wrong? I feel the need to correct you, though: these are yoga pants. I don’t wear sweat pants, Drake. You know this.

While other women might be concerned about your feelings for Nicki Minaj (“I love Nicki Minaj, I told her, I’d admit it/ I hope one day we get married, just to say we f***ing did it”), I understand. She is pretty magnificent, so I can’t blame you. It’s not like I’m going to stand in the way, because I want what’s best for you, Drake! And you look pretty happy here.

Drake, I know you’ve had some wild times. I get that. You’ve come a long way from wheelchair-bound basketball sensation Jimmy on Degrassi: The Next Generation. What makes me think you’re ready to settle down (with me) is this quote from the New York Times about your relationship with Rhianna:

“You know what she was doing to me? She was doing exactly what I’ve done to so many women throughout my life, which is show them quality time, then disappear. I was like, wow, this feels terrible.”

That was your Tootsie moment. You were Dustin Hoffman/Tootsie, and Rhianna was your sexist boss, and your love interest Jessica Lange, and also your Tootsie costume. I don’t know, the metaphor’s not the greatest, but the point is this: I feel like you’ve realized how to treat a lady.

You want to know how I really know we belong together? This picture:

I’m always here when you need me, Drake.
XOXO,
Kerry

You’re Welcome, Everyone.

12 Jul


I found your new favorite blog: Men In Cardigans.

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