Tag Archives: lists

Why Bust Magazine is the Best Magazine Ever

5 Apr


Sometimes when I have people over, they’ll pick up the copies of Bust I leave on my coffee table and say, “I’ve never heard of this magazine!” Admittedly, on at least one occasion this friend has been a dude, which kind of makes sense, but it’s downright criminal that there are still ladies who aren’t reading Bust! If you’re reading this blog, trust me, you should be reading Bust. Here are the reasons why:

1. It’s a women’s magazine that doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself. No diet tips, no weight loss tips, no convincing you that you’ll never be happy unless your hair is shinier.

2. Crafts and recipes, but in a different way. A lot of feminist publications shy away from recipes and knitting and stuff, which I can understand (even if I don’t agree with it). But Bust is interested in helping you make fun food for your life, not for some imagined family. Unlike in, say, Good Housekeeping, Bust will never give you a recipe that’s designed to make your kids eat their vegetables. Their craft coverage is also cool, focusing on more off-the-wall techniques and sometimes getting into the (usually lady-based) history of the craft. This is domesticity for the sake of domesticity, not for a family or a man. This is no surprise, since the magazine’s main gal is Debbie Stoller, knitter extraordinaire.

3. Diversity. Okay, so it’s not perfect, and it does tend to focus more on young white actresses, but Bust has more diversity (in terms of age, race, and size) in its cover ladies than any other women’s mag on the news stands. Looking through recent issues, I see Maya Rudolph, Kat Dennings, Mindy Kaling, Helen Mirren, Vera Farmiga, and like a billion other cool ladies.

4. An advice column by Roseanne Barr. No explanation needed.

5. Weird fashion spreads with themes like “Dark Shadows” and “Twin Peaks.”

6. Actually interesting articles. This month has men who breastfeed!

7. Usually asks interview subjects if they are feminists. Guess what? They usually say yes without hesitation! And if they don’t, well, now you know who to mistrust and/or feel sorry for because they don’t seem to understand the definition of the word “feminist” even when it is explained to them (Gwen Stefani, lookin’ at you).

8. They published this picture:

G’head and subscibe here. You will not regret it! I haven’t even talked about the One-Handed Reads.

Reactions From My Male Co-Workers Regarding My Hair Cut

7 Feb

“That looks nice, actually.”

“It makes you look even younger than you are!”

“I should get that hair cut so I’ll look younger. I’ll look just like a little Dutch boy. Not that you look like a little Dutch boy. I’m just gonna stop talking now. This is just like a man. I try to say something nice and all this stupid shit comes out.”

After dramatically sitting down and exhaling: “When did this happen?”

Tells me a long story about how he doesn’t ever comment on his wife’s haircuts after he once insulted an asymmetrical cut she got at J.C. Penney’s, and even though his wife is like, “You could lie,” he’s like, “No, I can’t.”

Things That Have Scared Me In My Apartment

6 Feb

Pair of boots (thought they were an animal)

Tote bag (thought it was a person)

Neighbor walking by the window (thought he saw me dancing)

Boyfriend showing up outside my door (thought he was a murderer)

Mailman (thought he was a murderer)

Person doing laundry in the basement (thought he/she was a murderer doing laundry)

Unidentified high pitched noise outside (thought it was someone screaming while being murdered)

Lights going out suddenly (thought it was a murderer setting the scene, so he/she could murder me)

The thought that I might never achieve any creative success because I’m paralyzed by fear (or because I’m murdered)

People Like This Were The Only People There

3 Feb

Last night H. and I saw Dr. Dog for the third time. They were amazing, and they looked exactly the same as they did the two previous times we saw them, which was comforting.

They were amazing because they’re always amazing. I know it’s not “cool” to gush about how much you love a band once you’re older than, like, 19, but clearly I don’t care about being cool.
This song is from their new album, which comes out next week.

But that’s not the point of this post! The point is to talk about the people we met (or, more accurately, “met”) last night. These are the people you’ll see at just about every concert, unless you’re seeing, I don’t know, Barry Manilow or someone.

-Elbow Dancer
A man that dances not with his hips, but with his elbows. Much like Elton John’s Tiny Dancer, you’ll want to stay close to him. This seems counterintuitive, as to be near Elbow Dancer is to put yourself at risk of a jab to the face (if he’s taller than you) or the groin (if he’s shorter). But Elbow Dancer expands to fit his space, much like a tampon. You need to stay close to reign him in.

-Pretty Girls
So, so many pretty girls with pretty hair and pretty clothes.

-Guys That Look Alike
Two guys, side by side. Plaid shirts, thick-rimmed glasses, dark hair, same height. Are they brothers? Friends? Liberace-style lovers? Or did they come to the show separately, drawn to each other as if by magic?

-Making Out Couple/Fighting Couple
We’ve all been half of at least one of these couples before, so I’m not going to judge.

-Happily Dancing Beanie Guy
A guy in a yellow beanie hat who dances, even before the show to the house music. As he points to the stage and flails his arms, his friends don’t react. The fact that they’re neither embarassed nor amused shows that this is typical behavior. “Oh, that? He’s just being Jeff,” they say to any onlookers.

-Old Man/Young Girl
This one may be specific to last night’s show.
Him: a cross between Darryl Hall and William H. Macy. Slightly graying hair still has a lot of body. Khakis and long sleeved polo shirt.
Her: Young. Northface jacket. Ponytail.
What’s their deal? Are they father and daughter? On a date? I suggested he was a new stepdad, but H. noticed that he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Then I thought maybe it was an awkward first date, but H. pointed out that he was wearing his jacket tied around his waist, as one would never do on a date. He kept touching her shoulder in a very non-fatherly way and they left before the show was even half through. Their love will forever be a mystery to me, so I made up a story to satisfy my curiosity. I imagine Megan (that’s her name) telling her dorm mate she’s going on a date.
“Oh, do I know him?” says her dorm mate.
“Um…” says Megan, brushing her hair. “No…he’s kind of…older.”
Dorm mate looks up from the Cosmo she’s reading. “How much older?”
Megan sighs. “Like 42? But it’s like, he doesn’t seem 42, you know? And Darrell almost never talks about his kids, so it’s totally not even a thing.”
Aaaand scene.

Things I Actually Don’t Like About Gilmore Girls

29 Dec

Sure, Gilmore Girls is the best show ever, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. Far from it. These are some significant problems I have with the show, the things that make me roll my eyes, get super-frustrated, or complain to Alex.

1. The Logan Years. I get that Rory had to date a rich asshole. What I don’t understand is why it had to take up, like, 4 seasons. She could’ve been sleeping around, which would have been way more interesting.

2. All of the extras are terrible. Maybe this is only so noticeable because all of the main actors are so fantastic (seriously, when is Lauren Graham going to get more respect?), but, Lord, I just cringe every time some Inn guest or Luke’s customer stiffly delivers their lines. Children are the absolute worst. Insufferable.

3. The April storyline. Nope. Sorry. I will never, ever, like this. April was like a cartoon character who smashed everything that was good and pure about Loralei and Luke. I will forever hate her.

4. A real lack of minorities. This made sense in Stars Hollow, as small towns do tend to be predominantly white. And yet Stars Hollow somehow managed to have many more minorities than Yale. Just about every website I’ve found that lists this sort of thing puts Yale’s percentage of white students at around 40%. You’re bogus, Gilmores! Seriously, couldn’t one of Logan’s rich, asshole, white friends just as easily have been black? Couldn’t Rory date an Indian guy? Couldn’t she maybe accidentally bump into an Asian student in the hallway? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

5. Not enough Marty. This should’ve been a bigger plotline. You know it. I know it. Amy Sherman-Palladino’s top hat knows it. I’ve included a newer picture of Marty because looking really good is the best revenge.

6. Lane got the shaft. First off, Dave was the best boyfriend and nothing ever lived up to him. I actually grew to really like Zach, though. I mean, clearly this is the ideal date (they also ordered pizza, in case you don’t remember):

But you cannot tell me that getting pregnant with twins and staying in Stars Hollow was even remotely okay for Lane. It wasn’t. She got pregnant after having terrible sex one time on a beach! That isn’t fair!

7. The drunk driving. Why was everyone always driving drunk? I never noticed this until Alex pointed it out, and now I can’t stop noticing it. Loralei downed multiple cocktails at Friday night dinners, and you can try to tell me she ate a lot, but whatever. She’s a petite woman. She had to be buzzed. Logan was basically perpetually toasted and always driving. In one episode, Luke goes golfing with Richard, gets drunk, and calls Loralei. Despite the fact that he tells her he’s drunk, she tells him to drive himself home. Her advice? Drink coffee. LORALEI GILMORE. DID YOU MISS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL’S ALCOHOL EDUCATION CLASS BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING RORY? There is no excuse. Amy Sherman-Palladino owes me a PSA about drunk driving.

To Do: See A Movie Alone

22 Sep


I keep a lot of lists; books I’ve read, books I want to read, even some that don’t involve books. I have lists of life goals and lists of daily goals, but my most important list of goals is my yearly list. I started compiling it on my birthday, and while I originally intended to call it “25 for 25,” i.e. 25 things to do in my 25th year, it’s grown past 25 and I’m still adding to it.

I was shocked last month to see how many items I’ve already checked off my list without really noticing. I try to include things that are relatively easy but that I may just need a reminder of (baking a pie!) as well as things that are such big or scary undertakings that I’m not sure I can do them (starting a blog!). One that’s been on my list for awhile is “See a movie alone.”

I don’t mean at home in my living room; I mean in a theatre, that sanctuary for couples in love and family togetherness. The thought of sitting there, alone, in the darkened theatre made me terrified and excited at the same time, so I knew I had to do it. When I had a free Saturday morning/afternoon, I took the chance to check another number off the ol’ “to do” list.

Instead of just heading straight for the movie theatre, head down, shoulders hunched, determined to get this over with, I decided to make a day of it. Take the little lady out on a solo date, really treat her right, you know? I started by wearing shorts in public, something I just started doing for the first time since high school. Shorts send a message to the world around you, and that message is, “Hey, I’m an easy, breezy, regular girl who doesn’t have body anxiety left over from a chubby adolescence and I’m totally okay with showing skin above my knees!” Even if that is not an honest message, I believe in fakin’ it till you make it. I also wore a scarf and big jewelry. Beauty secret: this will make you look bohemian-casual instead of hobo-disheveled.

I took myself to my favorite restaurant, Northstar, so I could enjoy a lovely orange/carrot/ginger/lemon juice without anyone telling me it looked gross. Eating alone is so great; you get to read, and know that if someone notices you sitting alone, they will either think you are lonely and pathetic or badass and independent. That’s a 50/50 chance someone will think you are cool! Probably even higher if you aren’t crying into your napkin.

After that I had some time, so I decided to see where the wind would take me. Turns out the wind took me to a used bookstore, where the wind quite forcefully convinced me to buy 4 books.

Once I got close to the movie theatre, I started to notice that the streets were overrun with a startling number of 20-somethings, bedecked in scarlet, grey, facepaint, and jewelry made out of nuts. In my general cluelessness about sports, I’d forgotten that there was an OSU game that afternoon. I miraculously avoided hitting any revelers, only to find that the movie theatre’s parking garage was now charging a $20 “event parking” charge for the game.

“Do I still have to pay $20 even if I’m going to see a movie, not the game?” I asked, batting the non-existent eyelashes that, according to my overpriced Sephora mascara, were supposed to be 1/4″ longer by now.

“If you’re going to see a movie, I can give you this pass,” he said, handing me a slip of paper. “You get two tickets, a medium popcorn and a medium drink. It’s a total deal.”

I just sat there and telepathically begged him to notice my empty passenger seat. “Is there some way I could save that pass?” I asked. “Because…there’s only one of me.”

“You can see what they’ll do for you once you get in there,” said the parking lot attendant, leaning over my window, “but that’s all I can offer you.” He winced apologetically.

“I’ll take my chances,” I said with a huge sigh, which he found hilarious. So as if I was not aware enough of my aloneness, I was now going to walk into this theatre and be forced to buy two tickets, a popcorn big enough for two, and a soda meant to share. I climbed the stairs and thought about how I could negotiate my way out of this. This was yet another time I wished I had boobs.

As it turns out, I didn’t even need boobs, because as the lone guy working at 11 a.m. could see, I was alone. “Here’s what we’ll do,” he said before I’d even reached the counter. “Since it’s just you, this is a free pass you can use at any point in the next year.” He scribbled on a little piece of green paper and handed it to me.

“Thank you,” I said with unnecessary gratitude, touched by the thoughtfulness of company policy.

“So,” he leaned on the counter. “What would you like to drink?”

There wasn’t a single other person in sight and I felt like I was on some sort of adventurous first date, like in Some Kind of Wonderful when Eric Stoltz takes Lea Thompson to an empty ampitheatre. Except that in the Some Kind of Wonderful of my life I am totally the Mary Stuart Masterson character, and also I’m getting popcorn instead of diamond earrings, which is fine because honestly that’s a better gift for me anyway, and also I think it’s silly to blow your entire college fund on jewelry.

I ordered a Sprite. “Do you like popcorn?” he called over his shoulder.

Do I like popcorn? “Yes,” I said. Of course. What fool would say no?

“Okay, I’ll give you a little extra,” he said, reaching not for the paper bags used for mediums, but instead grabbing that cardboard tub meant for several people to share.

This was quickly becoming the best date ever, and I was the only person on it.

With my American’s-Obesity-Crisis-sized popcorn and high fructose corn syrup laden Sprite balanced in my hands, I made my way to the theatre to see The Future. Miranda July’s newest film seemed like the perfect choice for my 1st solo movie, as I’m pretty sure no one in the world wanted to see it as much as I did. I walked into the theatre with 5 minutes to spare, only to be greeted by rows upon rows of empty seats. I was the only person there.

I sat in the centermost seat and arranged by snacks around me. “When I said I wanted to see a movie alone, I didn’t mean I wanted to see a movie alone,” I said in a Rodney Dangerfield voice while grimacing and tugging on my collar. I did all this in my head, not out loud, so as not to embarrass myself, but since no one else was there, I really could’ve said whatever I wanted or impersonated any comedian I chose and no one would’ve cared.

I really enjoyed the movie. I didn’t even eat half my popcorn OR cry, which is why I consider the day a success. Seeing a movie alone is such a tiny pleasure; the feeling of walking out alone without having to dissect your thoughts with anyone is nice, and really, it’s not like you’d be talking to anyone during the movie anyway. You get to carry that quiet movie trance with you just a little longer. The only downside is that if the movie you’re seeing has a sex scene, you are going to feel like a creep sitting there alone watching it. Like, if someone walks in they are going to assume you’ve turned the theatre into your own private masturbatorium when in reality you’re just trying to watch a movie!

Go see a movie by yourself, ladies. It will make you feel independent and badass and maybe someone will even upgrade your popcorn because they feel sorry for you. You won’t know until you try.

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Knockoffs: Real or Fake?

9 Sep

1. Is This Supposed to Be Butter?
2. Butter It’s Not!
3. Is It Butter?
4. What, Were You Expecting Butter?
5. Butter (Just Kidding)!
6. We Can’t Say It’s Butter!
7. Legally We Have to Tell You This Isn’t Butter!
8. You’d Think It’s Butter
9. You’re Well Aware This Isn’t Butter!
10. Isn’t It Butter?
11. Could It Be Butter?
12. What Do You Think This Is If It Isn’t Butter?
13. What, Not Butter!

 

 

Real: 2, 3, 6, 8, 10, 11, 13

Fake: 1, 4, 5, 7, 9, 12

Manic Pixie Douche Bag

26 Aug

That’s Logan.

Gilmore Girls characters who would have been better romantic choices for Rory:

Marty
Kirk
Taylor Doose
Paul Anka the dog
Paul Anka the person in a special guest appearance
Andrew the weird bookstore owner
Michel
Literally any other character, including Dean (who is terrible and dull)

People You Will Meet at the Public Library

10 Aug

A guy who fell asleep in a chair at the end of the New Release section.

Homeless people who want to use the bathroom.

A security guard with a haircut like Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men.

Girl who searches the catalog for “serial killers,” then leaves that search on the screen for the next person to see.

A guy who follows you out to the parking garage to ask how old you are and if you have a boyfriend.

A woman propelling her wheelchair with her feet like Fred Flintstone.

Old woman who can’t figure out the Dewey Decimal system and wants to make sure everyone knows.

A man having a meeting with his divorce lawyer.

Two young men complaining about how something smells like a Whopper.

A man who smells like a Whopper.

Someone loudly proclaiming that it always smells like farts in this library.*

*This will be you.

What is That Girl?

17 Jul

 

1. Diamonds
2. Daisies
3. Snowflakes
4. Chestnuts
5. Rainbows
6. Springtime
7. Tinsel on a tree
8. Everything that every girl should be
9. Sable
10. Popcorn
11. White Wine
12. Gingham
13. Bluebirds
14. Broadway
15. A teased head of hair
16. A creepy winking mannequin
17. A weird picture on a kite

The last three weren’t in the song, but they were implied.

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