A Great Way To Spend Some Time

For some reason, I’m kind of obsessed with Robin Thicke and Paula Patton’s relationship. They’re like my Jay-Z and Beyonce. Did you guys know they met in high school? And they’re still together? And he puts her in his videos/on the covers of his albums? I’m pretty sure Paula Patton might be in the running for title of Most Beautiful Woman in The World because, seriously, have you looked at her lately? I know I’m asking you a lot of questions. Sorry. So anyway, she’s insanely beautiful, and I think Robin Thicke is attractive but I’m not totally sure because every time I look at him I just see his dad.

If you’d like to look at a photogallery of Robin Thicke and Paula Patton, here you go, feel free to die of adorableness. Also, here’s his video for Love After War, in which Paula Patton refuses to ever wear pants and I start to feel uncomfortable because this is basically softcore porn.

Hey, Who Feels Like Crying Today?

This Bill Murray and Gilda Radner story will probably do the trick!

Old Loves

I’ve become obsessed with the tumblr Old Love, which is exactly what it sounds like…pictures of (mostly) celebrities with their old loves. I’ve already learned a lot about romances I never knew existed. These images are some of my favorites, and they’re all equally important to me.

My Romantic Comedy Soundtrack, Part 2

Let’s just get this out of the way: Somebody’s Baby is one of my favorite songs, ever. It would be perfect for a couple of different scenes in my romantic comedy. Picture it: opening shot of the movie, a woman trying on clothing in a fancy department store. But when the camera pans out, we see that she is not actually the character we will be following at all. Instead, that honor falls to the lowly sales clerk. She is not even rich or successful!
OR: a montage of the main male character hanging out with the girl he loves. She has a boyfriend, but she’s hanging out with him because they’re working on…something. Like, maybe they are both planning an event or helping a friend out. Whatever it is, it definitely involves some hilarious scenes wig-shopping and/or exiting a dressing room and doing that, “Well, what do you think?” pose with outstretched hands, while the other character gives an exaggerated thumbs-down or thumbs up.

Romantic Comedy Ideas I Thought Of At Work

The Doorman
A doorman for a fancy New York apartment building nurses an unrequited crush on one of the tenants. He suffers through watching her come home with either a different dude every night (I would love to have a slutty object-of-his-affection) or one terrible boyfriend. The Doorman played by Adam Sandler from The Wedding Singer (need a time machine for this one).

Garbage Man
You can find out a lot about someone from their trash…but can you fall in love with them? In this case, yes.

Grounds For Divorce
A man (David Duchovny) going through a difficult divorce with an uptight workaholic (Parker Posey) finds solace at a coffee shop, where he meets a manic pixie dream girl who teaches him a little about coffee and a lot about love. This one is aimed at an older audience, obviously, and will be directed by Nancy Myers.

The Pinch Hitter
This one’s about baseball. That’s a baseball term, right? It’s a nice title; I’ll get someone else to work out the logistics.

Cupcake Man
Channing Tatum owns a cupcake shop. Anna Faris is addicted to cupcakes. This one basically wrote itself. Ladies love cupcakes, they love Channing Tatum, give me a million dollars please.

Whose Baby Is This?
First half of the movie is devoted to finding out who the father is, second half is devoted to trying to build a life with the actual father while really being in love with the guy who ISN’T the father. I know, it’s a Criss Angel style Mindfreak.

The Elevator Affair
What happens when two strangers who hate each other on sight (Katherine Heigl as an uptight workaholic, and, oh, how about Channing Tatum again) are stuck in an elevator for 82 minutes? Cinema magic, that’s what! Also sex.

That’s Amore!
Pizza shop owner Anna Faris goes crazy when old-flame Channing Tatum (him again? I KNOW! I just think he would be really good in romantic comedies, you guys. He is just generic enough) comes back into town and starts working for her. He is a rebel and he makes so many careless mistakes with pizza crusts, but at the end it’s his endearing imperfection that makes the two of them work.

Cleaning Up
What happens when professional cleaning columnist Anna Faris meets professional mudwrestler (note to self: see if that’s a thing) Channing Tatum? SPARKS FLY! Mud splatters. Mopping ensues.

Up In Flames
After Steve Martin’s house burns down, he’s forced to move in with next door neighbor Penny Marshall. Sparks fly, pun intended. Is it weird I just really want to see a romantic comedy starring Penny Marshall? God, how has she been? I worry about her.

Marrying Rita
What happens when the priest who’s supposed to marry Rita (Anna Faris) and her husband (Channing Tatum) falls in love with her? The title works both ways.

The Kindle, Shame Reads, and a Picture of a Schwartzman

Last Christmas (cue music), Papa W. bought me a Kindle. I shouldn’t have been surprised, because the man loves nothing more than extensively researching and then purchasing electronics for his loved ones, and I already owned a camera, an iPod, and a Garmin. Because he bought them all for me for previous holidays. If this is making me sound like a Daddy’s girl, well, that’s because I am. Whether it’s making appointments for me to test drive cars, replacing the battery in my smoke alarm, or having an emotional discussion at a Panera Bread, Papa W. is always there for me. As he was with this Kindle, a gift I didn’t even know I wanted until I got it.

I understood the allure of the Kindle. It seemed practical for people who traveled a lot, or maybe people with bad eyesight. But, honestly, it just seemed like something I didn’t need. That is, until the moment I held it in my hands, at which point I experienced the sort of soul mate connection only experienced in romcoms. Like, I locked eyes with the Kindle’s metaphorical eyes and we had a moment. I knew we were destined to be together forever.

Do you know how heavy it gets to carry around multiple books in your purse at all times? Even paperbacks get heavy. And I can’t just bring one book, because what if I finish it and I get stuck somewhere and oh God. Even just thinking about it, I’m starting to panic. The Kindle is light, it fits in all my purses, and I can bring multiple books everywhere! Classics are free, so I’ve been “reading” Sense and Sensibility every time I’m between books for the last six months! It’s amazing.

However, I’d be lying if I told you I was using my Kindle to catch up on the classics. You should know me better than that. You know what I mostly read on my Kindle? Books I’m too embarrassed to be seen reading in public. That way, I can just lie and tell people I’m reading Infinite Jest. They’ll never know. Listen, I’ve read a third of that book, okay? I can totally fake my way through a conversation about it. The Entertainment, tennis, AA meetings, okay, sure.

But while I’m reluctant to embarrass myself in front of strangers at a coffeeshop, I have no sense of shame in front of you guys. Do you want to know what I’ve purchased for my Kindle? Plenty of good books! But here are the embarassing ones:

Skinny Bitch (I KNOW!)
Crazy Sexy Diet (I KNOW, I KNOW!)
Unlimited by Jillian Michaels
The latest Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book
Never Let Me Go (just kidding, that was actually a smart book that I read. I’m so smart, guys)

This weekend, I discovered that my new library loans Kindle books. This means I don’t even have to spend money to get my shame read on. Which brings me to the real point of my post, which is to ask: Um, do any of you guys read the Princess Diaries series?

Hear me out on this one. I started reading these in high school, which is a normal age to be reading books about high school girls. Except even then, I was all “hate-reading Ayn Rand on the outside, YA-reading on the inside.” The Princess Diaries (along with the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books and various other YA series) were my secrets. Even in college, I once read a just-released Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants book hidden inside my Microbiology textbook so my roommate wouldn’t know. Like, you’d have thought I was an adolescent boy trying to sneak a copy of Mad magazine into class.

I just love books for teenage girls, and these are especially well-written. They’re laugh-out-loud funny in a very specific-to-teenage-girls way, the preoccupations and the language are mostly accurate, and they are not in any way dumbed down. Impressively, all of Meg Cabot’s books (that I’ve read) deal with sex in an incredibly realistic, mature way. She doesn’t write like she has to “set an example” for today’s wayward youth, but she still manages to be responsible. One of her books talked about how you should always use two forms of birth control, and I was like, “Oh my God, Meg Cabot! You are dropping so many truth bombs for today’s girls!” But for real, she treats teenage issues with the exact right mix of realism and humor, and as someone who wants to write for teenage girls, I really admire that.

Also, her books are, like, 95% romance. I mean, The Princess Diaries is about being a princess, of course, but mostly it’s about dudes. That’s almost entirely all I want to read about. Yes, okay, I also have Swamplandia! on my Kindle because I like reading about alligators and dilapidated theme parks and having nightmares about The Birdman (NO I DON’T. Someone who has read Swamplandia!, let’s talk through our feelings on The Birdman, because I have a lot of issues I need to deal with). But mostly? Yeah, I just want to read about love and sex and crushes. What I like about teen novels is they understand how important feelings are. Teenagers are just obsessed with their feelings, and that’s how I am too, so I relate.

Forgive my use of run-on sentences and possible typos; I kind of rushed through this post because, um, I need to finish this Princess Diaries book. Do any of you ladies read these? Or maybe you used to, but you think 25 is way too old to be reading books meant for teenagers? I call it “research” to make myself feel better, but you can justify your habits anyway you want to. I’m not here to judge.

Also, do you know who played Michael in the Princess Diaries movie? A damn Schwartzman. No Jason, but let’s face it. A Schwartzman is a Schwartzman (which is to say, someone I have a crush on).

Something I Didn’t Realize I Was Serious About Until I Said it Out Loud

“I just want a nice gay man to marry me for insurance benefits, then we can buy a house together.”

I thought that was a joke, but yeah, I’m serious. Here’s my personal ad:

“Non-single white female searching for nice gay man between the ages of 21 and 35* for laughs, platonic love, and Dolly Parton movie marathons. Must want to live in a ramshackle cottage that we can renovate together with our family (one dog, one cat: both must be named after Golden Girls characters). About me: I’m simultaneously needy and standoffish, prone to hunger grumps, and a barrel of laughs/neuroses! Come help me get my mother/grandmother off my case!”

A note: you don’t actually have to be a gay man. Any straight man who isn’t romantically interested in me (i.e., all the straight men) can also apply. The love of Dolly is non-negotiable, though. I have a boyfriend; you have boyfriends, too. Whatever. What happens outside the confines of our marriage will not weaken the bond of our love.

Unrelated: You guys think I will die alone?

*I’m not going to be that strict about this. Like I would not turn down a mature 21 year old or a childish 36 year old.

Manic Pixie Douche Bag

That’s Logan.

Gilmore Girls characters who would have been better romantic choices for Rory:

Marty
Kirk
Taylor Doose
Paul Anka the dog
Paul Anka the person in a special guest appearance
Andrew the weird bookstore owner
Michel
Literally any other character, including Dean (who is terrible and dull)

Lady Jam: He Needs Me, Shelley Duvall

I originally heard this song in Punch Drunk Love, which is probably one of the best romantic films ever made (and my 2nd favorite Adam Sandler movie). Watching it performed in Popeye is no less dreamy. Shelley Duvall is truly an icon of strangeness.
Also worth watching is the trailer for Punch Drunk Love. I guess it doesn’t seem all that romantic based on the trailer alone, but it is. I used to rent this on the regular from Family Classic Video, back when people still rented movies and Family Classic Video still existed.

If I Were Dating Gordo from Lizzie McGuire

Gordo and I wake early these days. We spend our summers at the cabin on the lake, and when I come downstairs at 7, the coffee’s already going. Gordo’s been up for an hour. Invariably, he is on the back porch, looking out over the lake as he writes. He calls these his “morning pages,” the thoughts that flow directly from his unconscious mind to the paper. I do not ask to read them.

I put on my bathing suit. The sun has faded it from black to grey and it pinches at my thighs. It’s an uncomfortable reminder of just how long ago I bought it, that first summer we came here. The first summer we were together. I swim across the lake and back and pretend that Gordo is watching me, even though I know he isn’t.

When I finish my swim, he is done with writing. He leans against the porch railing. I wrap my arms around him from behind and stare out at the lake.

“Beautiful morning,” I say.

“Not as beautiful as you,” he says. He takes a sip of his coffee. A splash of soymilk, two spoons of sugar. I could make him a cup of coffee in my sleep after all these years.

We never talk about her anymore, but her name hangs unspoken between us. Lizzie. Lizzie McGuire. When I met him they’d just ended things, or rather things had never even begun. “One kiss in Rome, that’s all it was,” he told me over double Americanos at the café where I worked. I’d boldly sat down beside him on my break and introduced myself; that confident girl seems like a different person now. He just wanted to talk about that recent non-relationship, which didn’t seem so bad at the time. It was a fresh wound, and he was still raw. I didn’t mind listening. It makes me laugh now, that I thought I could be the one to help him get over her. As if anyone could. He soon stopped talking about her, but he didn’t stop thinking about her. I knew that much.

I remember a story he told me, that first day at the café. “She wanted to be voted best dressed, in the yearbook. She wanted to beat Kate.” He shook his head. “She hated Kate. So she—Lizzie, I mean—she bought these expensive jeans to wear on picture day. She thought she’d return them later.” He laughed, a short exhalation. “Of course she spilled something on them. Of course she did. Classic Lizzie. So she ended up wearing these other pants she had, and you know what? Everyone loved those pants.”

He turned to look at me. “Everyone loved those pants.”

I knew he wasn’t talking about pants, but I don’t know if he knew. It was the most honesty I ever found in his eyes, those murky waters I’d been trying to navigate for years.

He is singing to himself softly, barely whispering. I don’t think he even knows he is saying the words out loud. “Sometimes we make it, and sometimes we fake it. But we get one step closer each and every day, figure it out on the way.”

I press my face into his back and feel a sharp stinging in my eyes. It might be tears and I might be getting pink eye again; it happened once before from the bacteria in the lake. How strange it is to have a physical hold on something that isn’t really mine. I can wrap my arms more tightly around him, but it will not change a thing. I will never know him more than I do at this moment.

“Let’s go inside,” he says to me now. “We’ve got that Will Shortz Sudoku book to work on.”

I am awful at Sudoku. He takes my hand and I try to smile. Gordo might as well be one of Will Shortz’s puzzles, completely indecipherable to me no matter how long I stare. But maybe not. This might be the day I master Sudoku. I don’t know where we’re headed, Gordo and I, but for right now, this is enough.