Because Obviously I Wish I Had Zooey Deschanel’s Wardrobe

As you probably know by now, I love the show New Girl. My boyfriend and I watch it together every Tuesday night, although I think we’re watching it for different reasons. I mean, yeah, we both watch it for the laughs, but he (like most dudes) has a little bit of a crush on Zooey D., and I (like most girls) just want to wear all of her outfits.

The coolest thing about her clothes is that they are actually semi-attainable most of the time. I mean, okay, I am not actually going to spend $168 dollars on this dress from Anthropologie, but I did see it up close when I was there last weekend (not buying anything, touching everything and pretending it was mine, thinking about what it would be like if my bedroom was in the giant tent-thing they had set up in the middle of the store). Anyway, if you spend every episode of New Girl whispering, “Ohhhh, I want that dress,” then I have the sites for you!
What Would Zooey Deschanel Wear?
Fashion of New Girl
You’re welcome, ladies. Let’s all buy some clothes we can technically afford but still can’t really afford.

PS- These were shorts the whole time! I really thought this was a skirt!

Audrey Hepburn

I have nothing against Audrey Hepburn. I’m pretty sure I like her. She was a good actress, she was very pretty, and she did a lot of charity work. But I do find it upsetting that I’m supposed to idolize the look of a woman who could fit into her husband’s coat.

I can’t even fit into some of H’s clothes when he’s not wearing them, let alone when he’s in them. Once I accidentally put on his jeans (they got mixed in with my laundry, I wasn’t paying attention, don’t judge me) and while they technically fit, they mostly just looked like mom jeans.

Diane Keaton

I would just like to point out that this is what Diane Keaton wore when she accepted the 1979 Oscar for Best Actress.

This Isn’t a Style Blog: Leopard Print Coats

I’m pretty aware of which fashion trends I can pull off and which I can’t. That being said, I’m certainly not immune to lusting after things I’m 99% sure would look terrible on me. Right now, for reasons I can’t explain, I’m fixated on a leopard print coat. Actually, I can explain the reasons. They’re called these pictures.

It’s like an automatic way to be the baddest bitch in the room. My boyfriend, for the record, would hate this look, but show me a straight man who likes leopard print and you’ll be showing me a mirage because they don’t exist.

Modcloth is selling a nice looking, reasonably affordable leopard coat that, who knows, I might cough up the shekels to buy after the holidays. With my black feather hat, I think I might be edging into “weird old lady” territory.

Let’s Look at Pretty Clothes

By now, you’ve all seen The Muppets, right? If not, get off of your computer, leave your apartment/house, and get to a movie theatre. It’s funny, the songs are great, and Amy Adams is really sweet. In a lot of ways, she reminded me of Bernadette Peters in The Jerk. She was able to be cute and funny and a little naive without coming off as just dumb or ditzy. Amy Adams: what can’t she do? Also, SPOILER ALERT, she wears some amazing clothes. I’m pretty sure the first outfit she wore in the film took my breath away. What I would do for that yellow skirt!

You can see more of her clothes here.

Cosby Sweater, Glasses, and a Cigar.

Drake’s Headlines video is giving me all sorts of feelings I don’t understand.

Thrift Store Find: Crazy Print Dress

One of the best things about learning to sew is that you’ll be able to alter your own garments. You’d be amazed how much your world will open up once you learn to hem or take things in a little. Like this dress, for instance. When I pulled it off the rack at Goodwill, it was floor length and a few sizes too big. For about five dollars and an hour of my time spent shortening it to right-above-knee-length and taking in the bodice a bit, I have a totally wearable dress that I feel like I could find at some hipster store for $50.

Okay, maybe you think the print is a little crazy. But that’s the beauty of thrift store shopping; if I decide I think something is monstrous, I’m only out a few dollars and I can always donate it back or cut it up to use as scraps for another project. I liked the way this dress turned out, though, and guess what? So did a sales clerk at J. Crew! “Your outfit’s really cute,” she told me, leaning over the table of $45 dollar scarves I was looking at with no intention of purchasing.
“It’s from a thrift store. SUCK IT, J.CREW!” I yelled before ripping a scarf in half and running out of the store. Just kidding. I said thanks.

Big News

Today at Panera, I saw a guy wearing this shirt:

So I guess this is just my way of inviting you guys to our wedding next Spring! Expect your hilarious and classy oral sex/Harley Davidson themed save-the-dates in the mail soon!

Lady Style: Scarves

I like to say that I have my own sense of style. Usually I’m saying this defensively, which should tell you something about the way I dress. So I’m definitely not recommending you take any fashion advice from me, but I want to tell you that I’m really loving scarves for fall.

For starters, scarves will make you feel like Stevie Nicks (always a good thing). Stevie Nicks is a confident, badass woman, and we should all aspire to be more like her. Scarves are also a really easy way to add some color and interest to what you’re wearing. My “uniform” lately has been sweater/cardigan, dangly earrings, and a scarf. You can put basically no thought into what you’re wearing, throw on a scarf, and look like you planned an outfit. You simultaneously look put-together and bohemian, like Drew Barrymore in any given paparazzi shot.

Most importantly, scarves are insanely cheap. I got my favorite scarf at Gabriel Brothers (if you aren’t familiar/they aren’t in your area, they’re a discount chain, kind of like T.J. Maxx but weirder) for $2. The scarf pictured above was my mom’s in the 80′s. I really treasure it, because Mama W. is the least sentimental person in the world and keeps nothing from her past. She’s the polar opposite of a hoarder, and so she has almost none of her amazing old clothes. This scarf has some pretty sweet gold streaks on it, which makes me feel kind of glamorous.

Drape on a few scarves today! Even (especially) the guys!

About A Dress

I have this dress that I bought in high school, meaning I’ve been wearing it for about 10 years. Not 10 years straight–I’ve worn other things in between. It still fits me exactly the same, is remarkably resistant to fading and stretching, and fetches an alarming amount of attention from strange men.

I want to clarify that, although I often write about odd things strangers have said to me, I do not think I’m any great shakes. My self-esteem usually resides somewhere around the 4th subterranean level of the office building that is my spiritual being. When I first greet myself each morning in my toothpaste-flecked bathroom mirror, I’m like, “You again,” and not in a sexy, winking way. No matter how many real-life Stuart Smalley audiobooks I listen to, I’m never going to strut around town like I’m the star of my own video for The Pretenders’ “Brass in Pocket.” That’s why it’s all the more remarkable that this dress garners so much attention.

It is, as the copy for a catalog aimed at middle aged women would say, figure flattering. It highlights my waist while hiding my XXL birthin’ hips (side note: I’m confused as to why In Style and the like are always giving me instructions to downplay my hips, when biology/evolution have taught me that men are instinctively attracted to such signifiers of fertility. So fertile, guys!). But other than that, there’s nothing that stands out about it. It’s black, it doesn’t show an untoward amount of skin, and it’s the opposite of flashy.

And yet! On one occasion at Miami, that haven of frat-boy-bro-douche culture, a guy yelled out of his truck window, “Hey, I like your dress!” That marks the only time a man has ever yelled something from a truck that wasn’t a sexual come-on.

A couple of months ago as we got ready to go out for coffee, I warned H, “When I wear this dress, strangers tend to talk to me.” He didn’t seem to believe me.

We ate coffee and breakfast pastries uneventfully. No one said anything weird to me. “Have I lost it?” I asked myself. Then, frightened: “Did I ever even have it?” Maybe I was wrong. Maybe the dress lost its magic. Maybe I can’t keep wearing things I bought when I was 16. Maybe I need to go shopping more often.

As we walked home, a man shuffled past us, wearing the uniform of crazy street people: an oversized t-shirt.

“That reminds me of that itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini,” he muttered.

This was yet another time I’ve been rendered speechless. I resorted to nervous laughter, a really terrible defense mechanism I’ve been using ever since I was a kid. But it didn’t matter–he’d already barrelled past us and was halfway through the church parking lot.

To recap, what I wore was not:

1. Itsy-bitsy
2. Teeny-weeny
3. Yellow polka dot OR
4. A bikini

I turned to H and hissed, “Now do you believe me?” Getting weird comments since 2001: that’s my dress!