“Whenever I see people have a long answer to that question [“Are you a feminist?”], I’m just like, “What’s confusing about that?” It’s just being pro your ability to do what you need to do. I doesn’t mean you don’t love your boyfriend or whatever. And I wouldn’t go out with any guy who wasn’t a feminist. But I guess for people, especially once you kind of get more well-known, labels get really scary because it’s a reduction of who you are. When I say “feminist,” I mean that in the most complex, interesting, exciting way!”
I am not single. Let’s get that out of the way, so I don’t let all you guys out there get ahead of yourselves and wind up disappointed. I engage in a lot of Single Lady Behaviors, though, because I do not live with my SO. SO, of course, stands for Significant Other, which I say instead of “boyfriend” because “boyfriend” makes me feel 14, and “Significant Other” makes me feel delightfully pretentious. As opposed to “partner,” which makes me feel like a lesbian professor, or “lover” which makes me feel like dying because OH GROSS.
Single Lady Behaviors (henceforth known as SLBs) include: cooking a lot of cauliflower. Lighting scented candles because your apartment smells like cauliflower. Owning scented candles. Compulsively checking the locks on doors and 2nd story windows (murderers can buy ladders just as easily as the rest of us, it’s not like you need a background check). And, of course, eating frozen dinners.
I’m not talking about this sort of thing.
Clearly, it says “Hungry Man,” so it’s not appropriate for ladies! Also, it’s disgusting, so it’s not appropriate for human consumption.
Is there anything more “single-lady” than a Kashi frozen dinner? Kind of healthy, low-cal, and includes lots of veggies and whole grains. The box brags about how biodegradable it is, all like, “What have YOU done lately?”
Yeah, there is one thing more “single lady” than a Kashi frozen dinner, and that’s buying a Kashi frozen dinner on clearance at Target. Oh, I went there. And then I got excited about eating it and sauteed some organic zucchini to go along with it because, Kashi, you just can’t meet my vegetable needs!
Let’s imagine you just asked me a question: “If you could look like any woman in the world, who would it be?”
My answer would be: “A cross between young Dolly Parton and Moonstruck-era Cher.”
If you said something like, “Um, that’s two people. Or not a person. Either way it didn’t answer my question,” then I would know we couldn’t be friends.
I think about Dolly Parton and Cher CONSTANTLY. I wish I had Cher’s height, her shiny hair, her bold, ethnic features. I also wish I had Dolly’s dream combo of petiteness and bustiness (I’m hoping 26 will be the year my breasts come in. Fingers crossed!). When I look at Dolly, my mind automatically starts thinking of classy, old lady words to describes boobs. Like “bosoms.” Or “chest.” At some point in the future, I’ll detail my love of these ladies, but for now…
For now I’m just glad this picture exists.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to talk about “lady stuff.” And by “sometimes,” of course I mean, “all the time.” Since my work, home, social and romantic lives are dominated by men, I almost never get a chance to just shoot the shit with other ladies about the things that concern us. There are only so many times* I can find myself getting in an argument about Oprah Winfrey with a straight guy I just met before I realize I need an outlet.
By Lady Stuff, I’m talkin’ movies, books, and music by, for, and about women. I’m talkin’ writing. I’m talkin’ sewing, cooking, and how I don’t regard these activities as domestic oppressions but as feminist expressions. I’m talkin’ that sweet rhyme I just made up. I’m talkin’ comedy. I’m talkin’ politics (probably not, unless you want to get all “the personal is political” in which case, okay, sure). I’m talkin’ all the stuff I don’t want to write about on our blog because Alex doesn’t care.
Welcome to Ladyville, my friends. I hope you enjoy your stay.**
*It was one time, and it ended in me yelling, “WELL JONATHAN FRANZEN DIDN’T HAVE TO BE SUCH A DICK ABOUT IT!”…a position I still stand by, although I admit I could’ve phrased it a little better.
**I promise I won’t say stuff like this anymore (jk. I will say stuff like this all the time).