My desire to do things & know what’s out there has always been greater than my fear. I was more scared of staying home than of leaving it. – Dolly Parton, who has a Twitter. Of course she does, and of course it’s great.
My mom and I went out shopping on Black Friday this year, like we do every year. “But Kerry,” you say, “I thought you hated shopping.” I do! I totally hate shopping for more than half an hour. I also hate crowds. Black Friday is my personal hell. But I go because my mom likes to, and also she buys me lunch.
This year was especially good, because my mom bought this CD.
Dolly is a beautiful Mrs. Claus! This CD is okay, but apparently it was related to a Christmas special Dolly and Kenny did in the 80s. From what I can tell, this Christmas special was the single greatest program to ever air on television. In this video, Dolly and Kenny hang out in this lodge full of mannequins. Maybe it makes sense in context. Or maybe not!
I love that Dolly wears a demure Fair Isle sweater, but she can’t help but layer a sequined blue vest with fur trim over it. Dolly always shines through.
From now until Christmas, I’ll be sharing a favorite Christmas song every day! I tend to favor the weird, the wonderful, and the sequined, so it’s no surprise that my first pick is by my idol, Dolly Parton.
Hard Candy Christmas, like most of my favorite Christmas songs, doesn’t sound like a Christmas song at all. I mean, Dolly didn’t even have the decency to throw in some jingling bells or anything. Also like most of my favorites, it’s a sad Christmas song. I don’t know why I like sad Christmas songs so much. Why can’t I just listen to Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree? Spoiler alert for future Christmas posts: I can and I do. BUT this is a song I would love even if it didn’t have anything to do with Christmas, just because it’s sad and lovely and Dolly sounds like a bird sent from heaven to teach us all about true beauty. I love her so much.
“I just want a nice gay man to marry me for insurance benefits, then we can buy a house together.”
I thought that was a joke, but yeah, I’m serious. Here’s my personal ad:
“Non-single white female searching for nice gay man between the ages of 21 and 35* for laughs, platonic love, and Dolly Parton movie marathons. Must want to live in a ramshackle cottage that we can renovate together with our family (one dog, one cat: both must be named after Golden Girls characters). About me: I’m simultaneously needy and standoffish, prone to hunger grumps, and a barrel of laughs/neuroses! Come help me get my mother/grandmother off my case!”
A note: you don’t actually have to be a gay man. Any straight man who isn’t romantically interested in me (i.e., all the straight men) can also apply. The love of Dolly is non-negotiable, though. I have a boyfriend; you have boyfriends, too. Whatever. What happens outside the confines of our marriage will not weaken the bond of our love.
Unrelated: You guys think I will die alone?
*I’m not going to be that strict about this. Like I would not turn down a mature 21 year old or a childish 36 year old.
Would you like to spend your Sunday morning looking at a slideshow of Dolly Parton pictures while getting really depressed? Then I have the song for you!
This song lives up to its name; when I listen to it I feel heartbroken. The breathy background vocals after Dolly sings “I melted every time you kissed me” really get to me.
“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” -Dolly Parton, in her autobiography My Life and Other Unfinished Business
Dolly Parton certainly has a type. “High heeled boots and painted on jeans,” Dolly? That’s a cowgirl’s dream? Apparently we look for different things in a man.
Just looking for a guy who accepts that tender love is blind and requires a dedication. Someone who realizes that all this love we feel needs no conversation. Are you willing to set out to get me with a fine tooth comb? In return, I will hurt you never. Do you think this could be the year for the real thing?
Also, you need to accept that I can’t sing. Like I literally think I might be tone deaf. Hit me up!
Let’s imagine you just asked me a question: “If you could look like any woman in the world, who would it be?”
My answer would be: “A cross between young Dolly Parton and Moonstruck-era Cher.”
If you said something like, “Um, that’s two people. Or not a person. Either way it didn’t answer my question,” then I would know we couldn’t be friends.
I think about Dolly Parton and Cher CONSTANTLY. I wish I had Cher’s height, her shiny hair, her bold, ethnic features. I also wish I had Dolly’s dream combo of petiteness and bustiness (I’m hoping 26 will be the year my breasts come in. Fingers crossed!). When I look at Dolly, my mind automatically starts thinking of classy, old lady words to describes boobs. Like “bosoms.” Or “chest.” At some point in the future, I’ll detail my love of these ladies, but for now…
For now I’m just glad this picture exists.